Faking it.
Faking it.

Mum is fond of telling me to smile, because eventually it will make you feel better.  However this has not been my experience.

Throughout my life I have felt like a fraud, no matter what I did, I felt like I truly should not be there, doing what I was doing.  This was particularly bad when I was a Loss Adjuster working from home.  I had assessed claims at work with managerial assistance, but not on my own.  Once I started working from home, I was my own boss.  I had to make calls on claims, and no matter how long I was doing the job, I always felt like I was a fake and that someone would find me out.

It didn’t happen, but I felt like it would.  I had studied and everything, but I still didn’t feel adequate enough to stand up to someone if they questioned my qualifications.

Even my early attempts at writing – often I wouldn’t tell people I wrote stories because I didn’t feel adequate enough to be called a writer.  Now, I don’t care.  I feel like a writer now, I can talk to people about writing and what they should and should not do – with the stipulation that these are my own opinions, and others might have different ways of doing things.

Fake it until you make it is a statement I hate, with a passion.  You can not make something happen by faking it.  Faking that you are happy until you finally are is definitely a fallacy – it just doesn’t happen.  I tried that for two years and it really got me no where.  I don’t believe that I can fake something and feel like I made it.  I certainly didn’t feel like a true Insurance Assessor even though I was one for five years.  I felt like a fake, and it didn’t matter how often I “faked” it, I didn’t feel like I ever made it.  I never felt comfortable with the position.

MaskPeople are often surprised that I have suffered from depression – but you always seem so happy!  But I wasn’t.  I was faking it, I was trying to make the world see me as a happy person, and while I fooled everyone else – I didn’t fool myself for one minute.  In fact I would get home, still having to be fake and keep it all together for my family before falling into bed exhausted every night because I was so tired from being something I wasn’t!

I don’t do fake – fake is a mask that I once wore, now I am me, stripped down bare and completely open and honest.  If I am not happy, I will tell you.  If I don’t feel confident, I will tell you.  If I don’t feel like I am living up to my own expectations, then I need to lower my expectations, but I will not be fake anymore!

So I try not to fake anything anymore.  What you see if what you get, and if you don’t like it, then it is your problem, not mine.

Fake it, Until You Make it?
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