Mum is fond of telling me to smile, because eventually it will make you feel better. However this has not been my experience.
Throughout my life I have felt like a fraud, no matter what I did, I felt like I truly should not be there, doing what I was doing. This was particularly bad when I was a Loss Adjuster working from home. I had assessed claims at work with managerial assistance, but not on my own. Once I started working from home, I was my own boss. I had to make calls on claims, and no matter how long I was doing the job, I always felt like I was a fake and that someone would find me out.
It didn’t happen, but I felt like it would. I had studied and everything, but I still didn’t feel adequate enough to stand up to someone if they questioned my qualifications.
Even my early attempts at writing – often I wouldn’t tell people I wrote stories because I didn’t feel adequate enough to be called a writer. Now, I don’t care. I feel like a writer now, I can talk to people about writing and what they should and should not do – with the stipulation that these are my own opinions, and others might have different ways of doing things.
Fake it until you make it is a statement I hate, with a passion. You can not make something happen by faking it. Faking that you are happy until you finally are is definitely a fallacy – it just doesn’t happen. I tried that for two years and it really got me no where. I don’t believe that I can fake something and feel like I made it. I certainly didn’t feel like a true Insurance Assessor even though I was one for five years. I felt like a fake, and it didn’t matter how often I “faked” it, I didn’t feel like I ever made it. I never felt comfortable with the position.
People are often surprised that I have suffered from depression – but you always seem so happy! But I wasn’t. I was faking it, I was trying to make the world see me as a happy person, and while I fooled everyone else – I didn’t fool myself for one minute. In fact I would get home, still having to be fake and keep it all together for my family before falling into bed exhausted every night because I was so tired from being something I wasn’t!
I don’t do fake – fake is a mask that I once wore, now I am me, stripped down bare and completely open and honest. If I am not happy, I will tell you. If I don’t feel confident, I will tell you. If I don’t feel like I am living up to my own expectations, then I need to lower my expectations, but I will not be fake anymore!
So I try not to fake anything anymore. What you see if what you get, and if you don’t like it, then it is your problem, not mine.