Bangs Head on Desk by Tolan88 @ deviantart

This week has had highs and lows, good things and bag things and everything in between.

My depression is lifting once more, but it is a slow process.  I heard it recently put like this:  You don’t feel happy, you don’t feel sad.  You don’t feel anything.  And that is correct.  For me, I can laugh, but not feel the joy with it.  I can feel sad, but not necessarily cry bitterly.  I feel very indifferent, which can be scary.  I am not a down person by nature.  I am generally upbeat and happy, so feeling blah really does scare me.

Anyway – on the writing front, I have edited up to Chapter 4 of Medusa once I printed it out.  A much better option, but then my son was off at Nannas for a week, and I was able to get a bit of stuff done.  I did manage to get Chapter two in the laptop, but I need to make a conscious effort to get the rest done.

Good news, another story idea came out of the blue – well actually probably more the black, because it was a dream.  I only have the start of the story, but already I have some more added to it.  It is currently dwelling in a notebook, with jottings, and will eventually have a notebook of its own, once I can work out where the story is going.  At this stage, I am figuring on fey folk, but that could change.

I have been struggling with Son of God lately, but the last two days have seen a little bit of work and thought go into that, so I hope to translate those onto the pages and start getting the story started again.

My head is a jumble of thoughts, and I can’t seem to slow it down to make sense of any of it.  Just keeping myself busy with gardening or housework is enough to quieten it down, but night times are the worst.  They thoughts fly unbidden, and I know I am tense with them, but I can’t seem to relax, no matter what I do.  Reading has been my only solace at the moment, reading until my eyes hurt, then turn out the light and hope for sleep.

I so hate this darkness.

This week has been a week in contrasts.  My depression has returned and I have spent 10 days wondering what it is all about!  At night, it is like my mind has thousands of thoughts, but they happen all at the same time, and when I close my eyes, they try and follow each thought.  I am so tense that I am scared I will snap instead of bend over!  During the day I wander around like I am in a daze, wondering what I am supposed to be doing.

I did have something to do (and focus on) though, the BGAC – Boys and Girls Agricultural Show – aka Tapawera Show which was on Saturday just been.  It is like an A&P show, but focused more at the kids.  I am in charge of the minishow – Handcrafts, cooking, horticulture in the hall, and I also helped out doing the Schedule and Catalogue for the horses – equestrian, showjumping etc.  That kept me relatively entertained for a couple of days.

I am looking forward to going back to counselling, I think I really do need to talk about some things.  Three weeks is along time to go without having a trusted ear to bend.  I know I could talk to my husband and friends, but my counsellor validates what I say, she doesn’t judge me for my weird thoughts or strange ideas.

Writing, well with being busy this week, I haven’t had that opportunity, yet I have some up with a brilliant plan for Blood Gold.  It will take a bit of time, and lots of transcribing (one of the joys of not sleeping at night!), but I have some ideas of people / organisations I can approach about getting some first hand information.  But basically, I think I will start each chapter with the transcript from the paper at the time, which will lead into the action going on in the story, and hopefully it is chronologically ordered (the trial witnesses) with the action.  If not, the newspaper articles will jump about a bit.  I think that this will help to cut out any unnecessary story telling that doesn’t really need to be told.  And hopefully drop one in the action faster.  We will have to see how it goes.

Medusa is the story I am focusing on now, and I have to get started on Chapter two.  I really need to try and do a chapter a night, in order to really get it done by the end of the month… but then I probably should print it out to read it, and make notes in the margin etc… Oh well, thoughts and plans and al those things!

Medusa by KJM

This week has been busy.  I have been raspberry picking most mornings, and then pottering in the gardens in the afternoon.

I have managed to slip in some time with the laptop, and have added a prologue to Medusa and started with the edit on Chapter one.  Unfortunately it has been rather slow going… and I can’t really explain why.  I guess it is because I have been reading the story through and thinking about how I can change it for the better.

I have gone through and highlighted all the target words (like was, has, has been, felt, knew, etc etc) and trying to eliminate them.  And because I know have a prologue about an earlier event when Medusa and Athena first met, I have to make sure that those references are made in the first chapter, otherwise it would sound odd!

I have also decided to change a part near the end of the story where Medusa turns men to stone with her looks, because I have tried keep Medusa as close to human as possible, and turning men to stone isn’t human!  But I do have a way of making sure that this kind of works.

My only problem is, it doesn’t really need to be called Medusa’s Garden any more because here Garden will no longer be filled with statues of men.  I am not sure what to do about that, but at least I have made a start.

1.  Edit “Of Kings Queens and Noblemen”

2. Finish my Ice Planet Story

3. Edit Ice Planet

4. Edit the Gothic novel

5. Finish writing “Son of God”

6. Edit Medusa’s Garden.

I also want to keep my accountability up, so I will be emailing my goals through to my writing friends – but will also be doing a monthly tally up of my goals.  I am going to give myself approximately two months per book, but that doesn’t mean that I will take two months to edit, it is more edit it, put it aside, edit again in a couple of months time, just to let myself refresh.

And while today is 1st January 2012 in NZ, I am struggling to get to my laptop – lol – perhaps I should just stop procrastinating and JUST DO IT!

I don’t know if writing is something that I will get back into, but I have decided that I have a few stories that need some work, so I will endeavour to spend some time tidying up those.

So my goals for this year:

1.  Edit “Of Kings Queens and Noblemen”

2. Finish my Ice Planet Story

3. Edit Ice Planet

4. Edit the Gothic novel

5. Finish writing “Son of God”

I am sure that there will be other things that crop up during the year, but at this stage, I plan on using the KiwiWriters challenges to get me through the year.  Evil Editors Unite in March will get me up to speed with my editing, SoCNoC in June with my writing, and August with the End is Nigh to finish off my editing.

There is only a little bit of writing involved, most of it will be editing, which I am capable of doing, so hopefully this year, 2012 will be more productive that 2011.

Light at the End of the Tunnel, Kawatiri Tunnel, Feb 2011

This is the time of year where everyone starts to reflect on the year that has been, and starts planning their New Years Resolutions.  I want to look back over the year for another reason, because there has been a lot of turmoil this year for me.

At the beginning of the year, I set the goal of writing three novels and I was well on the way to achieving that.  I had 57,000 on Blood Gold by August, 55,000 on my Ice Planet story, and I planned on doing on in November (for NANO) but instead, my life took a rather drastic turn.

I was diagnosed with depression in February 2011 and working with my Doctor, we tried natural remedies to try and make myself better.  Why I was diagnosed, I don’t know, but for years I spent a lot of time trying to make it right for everyone else, and finally nothing was right for me.  The natural methods worked for a while, but when June hit, I started to feel myself going downhill.  By July I had hit rock bottom and couldn’t make sense of what was going on around me.  I found a lot of the time, I was in tears over the silliest things, things that I would once have coped with.

Everest on my now deceased laptop

Burgess Gang

In September, my beloved laptop crashed, catastrophically, and due to a misguided faith in the life of my laptop, I hadn’t backed up anything for some time.  Hence, I lost pretty much all of Blood Gold and 30k from Ice Planet.  It was gutting.  So much so, that I think this triggered the deepest darkest place.

My writing was important to me.  It was my escape from the real world, it was my opportunity to control a small portion of the chaos that was my life.  By setting myself deadlines and goals, I was able to control how I achieved something.  But instead I found myself without my greatest joy and outlet, and I went back to the Doctors for antidepressants.

The first two weeks were horrific as my body and mind adjusted to the fake feel good chemicals that my body needed.  It must have been so depleted because it was hell for two weeks, but once I turned the corner, I felt much better.

Writing suddenly didn’t seem important.  Nothing was important.  My brain, which was my greatest source of my imagination, deserted me, my dreams left me, I had blank nights, or evenings when I couldn’t even sleep.  My Mum came and stayed with me for two weeks, while I adjusted to my new life.  My son, God bless him, now doesn’t like leaving me, in case I change again.  It has been rough on him.  My husband has also suffered through the harrowing times, but we are all a safe strong unit once again.

Writing has come back in fits and spurts, I have days when I write, but I often go for weeks without writing, and it doesn’t bother me right now.  I am still getting over the effects of the antidepressants.  My mind wanders freely of its own accord (I zone out!), my memory is like a sieve, I only remember what I want to remember (like my counselling sessions) and forget things that don’t seem important (like BGAC meetings!)

Counselling has been a Godsend, I love my counsellor, she is a loving, generous and caring person.  I love that she listens to me, acknowledges me, and tells me that what I am doing and feeling are normal, even if they aren’t!  Because they are normal for me.

One thing I have learnt from counselling is that life is all about choices.  You make

Winter Sunrise

choices that affect your life.  Others make choices and that affects their lives.  You have choices to make about how you react to other peoples choices.

At the moment, I am working on my own choices.  I make my own decisions and I live with the consequences, whether they are positive or negative.  It might sound really simple, but I have had to strip back years of intense anger, hatred and despair to finally come to this point.  To go back over all of the choices I have made in my life and accept the results, good and bad, as part of my life.

I have also accepted that people will make choices that I don’t like.  It doesn’t mean I have to like them or hate them.  That is the decision they have made.

As a result I have noticed an improvement in my relationship with my husband.  Initially I thought he was changing due to the changes in me, but now I realise that he hasn’t changed… I have.   I am more accepting of myself now, knowing that my history has made me who I am, and I can’t go back and change things, I have to see those events as life changing and learn from the mistakes, and move on.

So, this is my year in review.  It has been bad, but it has also been good.  I have grown up. I now accept myself for who I am and what I have to offer, and I have plenty to offer! I have a beautiful and supportive family, who ring me to see how I am.  I have friends who have surrounded me with love and support, and I will be grateful for them.

I will write again, because God gave me a talent, and he won’t take it away from me now.  He is just preparing me for the next phase of my life.  Good things can only happen from now on in!

Steampunga

Christmas was a fantastic experience this year, very laid back without hassles or disappointments, in fact we got around everyone we wanted to get around and still had time for ourselves!  Met some lovely people yesterday and enjoyed spending time with my family, which is what Christmas is all about.

My son can’t believe it is boxing day, after all the anticipating and waiting, although he certainly isn’t disappointed with what he got, in fact he is still playing with the Lego – wonderful stuff!

So anyway people, just a quick word to wish you seasons greetings and hoping you are all safely enjoying the festive season.

Take care x x

Bangs Head on Desk by Tolan88 @ deviantart

Karma has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.  Either that, or God has a strange sense of humour!  It is definitely a “Head – Desk” kind of week!

On Friday, my beloved and I had an argument, and I went to stay at my Mum’s for the weekend with my son.  It was a lovely relaxing weekend, and I got lots of sleep.  Which is probably what I needed more than anything.

On Monday I returned home early in the morning, late enough to miss my beloved and his two sons.  I got youngest son off to school and spent the rainy day comtemplating my navel.  At 12:48pm – weird, I remember the time exactly, I thought I was well overdue for something to eat, so I stood up and made my way into the kitchen.  My left foot stood on something which was sharp and painful.  I took a couple of steps and realised that something wasn’t right.  I couldn’t see anything, but when I looked back at the floor where I had been, I saw half a needle on the ground.

How I didn’t faint, I don’t know.  All I know is that my foot was sore, the area around my little toe looked puckered and I suspected I had the other half of the needle in my foot.  Great.

I rang my BFF – who wasn’t home.  I rang my Mum, who wasn’t home, and I rang my beloved, who wasn’t answering his cellphone.  GREAT!  I was in pain, and no one I could get hold of, so I tried again.  BFF, Mum and Beloved, nope.  So I rang the doctor.  And I got the receptionist from hell.  Well she isn’t really, but often when you ring, it is like the biggest inconvenience in the entire universe.  But today, because I was in tears, she was the most helpful person around.  She reassured me, told me there was an opening at 2pm, and that the local clinic would probably send me over the hill anyway.

I had a plan.  Doc’s at 2pm.  Rang the school to get youngest son ready by 1:30pm and I would be off.  I rang and left a message on Mum’s and beloved’s cellphone, then tried beloved’s work.  Still no answer.  OK.  But beloved rang me back, voice as cold as ice.  “What.”

“Needle broken off in foot, at Doc’s at 2, picking up youngest son.  Can you get him from there.”

“OK.”

I duly drove our manual car over the hill, how, I really don’t know, adrenalin I guess.  My beloved arrived not long after me.  One look at my foot, and we were talking again.  Funny how catastrophe’s can bring one back together!

A quick look by the Doc, an Ultrasound, where the operator tried desperately to remove the needle himself with the handpiece, much to youngest son’s disgust, I was back at the Doc’s at 5pm, for a little bit of surgery.  It took him 1/2 hr to locate the needle piece, and extract it.  It now sits in an specimen jar on my desk, a gruesome reminder that one should always put away needles and wear shoes inside (Puh Lease… Come on, it was a warm day, nice day to kick off shoes and relax!).  By 6pm, I was sick of needles (one in the foot, one to anaethitise the foot, one to stitch the foot, one with tetanus booster), and ready for a good nights sleep.

But this isn’t the end of my tale – on my beloved’s insistence (because he was going away), my Mum came up to stay with me, and she decided to clean my bathroom for me, which was nice, because I had planned on doing it, but having a crutch to help me get around isn’t easy to climb up on things.

Mum got carried away and cleaned the walls and ceiling and finally the bath, putting the little non slip dolphins back in the bottom.  Beloved came home from work and decided to have a shower. 

I heard him.  He slipped in the shower and “tweaked” his back.  Great, two of us down now.  Mum was very apologetic, but as my beloved said, it was just one of those things.

On Friday, the sun was once more shining, and I decided to thank Mum by taking her up to my favourite cafe for a coffee and cake.  Youngest son had finished school, so he came along too.  Two fluffies later, he wanted to see the eel in the lake, so we wondered down to have a look.

A little cabin caught our eye, so we ventured up to have a look, it was like a caravan painted in cow print (big black splotches on a white background).  Mum put one foot on the deck, and in slow motion twisted around, her foot went out from under her and she landed on her shoulder.

We had to call an ambulance, because I suspected she had a broken collarbone.  4 hours later, it was confirmed. 

“Payback’s a bitch,” my beloved said, “Karma always get you.”

“I don’t believe she deliberately tried to upend you.”

“Stranger things have happened…”

Needless to say, one hobbles (me), one walks funny (beloved)  and one can’t move her elbow above her waist.  Christmas is going to be an exceptionally fun this year!  But at least we are still alive… I think!

Merry Christmas to all of my wonderful readers, I hope your Christmas is much more relaxing and calmer than mine!  Thank you for taking the time to follow my journey.

I have spent the weekend at my Mum’s (gotta love Mum’s) and had a very relaxing time.  So relaxing that I have even managed to get some more writing done this week!  I have had a couple of opportunities to just spend time, laptop and me, writing, editing, looking, seeing but mostly writing.  I have been working on my Ice Planet story, the one I finished for SoCNoC and then lost when my last laptop crashed.  I lost most of the story, which was quite gutting.

I was hoping to work on Son of God, but for some reason, I have been meeting some resistance in this story, so instead I have gone back into Ice Planet to try and pick up the pieces.  It hasn’t been as good as the original, but if I can at least finish it, then I can go back in and edit it, to make it closer to what I originally had.

The original story was great, I came away from it feeling very satisfied, and why I didn’t back it up, I don’t know, but the lesson was learnt, and now I back up pretty much every time I work on my laptop now.

It is hard to try and work through those parts I lost, because it was mostly the climax, which was really exciting, and I was so excited writing it.  Now, I am not sure I can capture that excitement, but if I can at least get some of it, I can edit it into shape for the final version.

The school holidays are about to start, and in the Southern Hemisphere, that is 6 weeks.  6 weeks of constantly having my son in my face!  Still, I will work out a way to try and get some writing in somehow!  If not, there is always the garden to work on!

I had this in reverse the other day.  I was visiting with my counsellor and I was telling her all about a situation that happened last weekend.  Then I talked about other issues as well.  At the end of the session, she looked me in the eye and said – “it is just so complicated isn’t it.”

I am kind of pleased that she said that.  I bottle things up.  I don’t tell someone something and then say it is too difficult to go into details because there are too many of them.  I prefer to keep my own counsel and try and tease out the issues later.  But it was nice to know that I wasn’t going insane!  It is actually complicated!  What makes it worse is that most of it isn’t of my own making, but what others have put on me!  Which makes me feel responsible!  Urgh, sick of taking other peoples responsibilities on, and in the last 6 weeks I have noticed a large improvement in my own mental state because I have learnt that unless it is something that I did, or created, it has nothing to do with me.  Even if my family or friends do something, it isn’t mine, unless I did it.

It is a very liberating thought.  It is knowing that I don’t have to accept other peoples problems, or try and help them.  Handy being mentally ill – sorry I can’t help you, I have problems of my own!  My friends say – that’s OK, I understand.  Those who aren’t my friend look at me like I am insane… so I know what category they fall into.  Needless to say they will be off my Christmas card list this year.

Life has been changing, for the positive.  To the point where I have… yes I have, actually written some words!  It doesn’t happen every day, but it has been happening, and I am liking this.  There is less stress and pressure on myself, although I am itching to get back into writing on a more scheduled basis, but I want it to be fun and because I want to write, not because I HAVE to do it.

So, while my life might be “complicated” it is only if I let it be.  And I chose not to.