Its been a while since my depression reared its ugly head. I nearly managed a whole year after my marriage implosion before it decided to come knocking. In February I wondered what was wrong with me. I could feel myself going down, but it didn’t seem to matter what I did. I kept feeling flat and lifeless. It was coming up the anniversary. As soon as I acknowledged it, it didn’t quite have the same impact, and afterwards, things did improve…for a while.
But since the middle of March, there has been a slow and steady decline in my mental health. I increased my meds, but it didn’t really give me the boost I needed. I looked back over the previous 8 weeks and realised that I had stopped taken a Vitamin B complex, and that would appear to be what the problem was. I have been on it for two weeks now, and I feel myself coming back up.
But I’m not 100%. I’m still on a high dose of meds because I don’t feel happy enough to come down, and I don’t mean that as in emotionally. I don’t feel like I am mentally capable of decreasing my meds at this stage.
And it has got me thinking. Last year, with everything that went on, having lost my marriage, and then a beloved Poppa, I was able to decrease my meds rather significantly. But this year, I have seen the reverse, and been increasing my meds to a level I was on prior to my marriage breakup.
I wonder if perhaps last year, there was a euphoria, a release, if you like, and I was able to finally start doing things that I hadn’t been able to do for such a long time. But this year, things are starting to settle into a pattern, and perhaps it is that pattern that is the problem.
I had some big dreams, to write more, to do more arts and crafts, but I didn’t expect to be still on the benefit a year down the track, but then in saying that, I wasn’t expecting to have my mental health deteriorate either. I have been working, doing gardening, and I would love to do it on a more permanent basis, but I would have to become a contractor and pay wages, and come off the benefit, but with no guarantee of work, or settled weather to do work, it is hard to actually visual this as a permanent full time job for me.
All I know is that I need to be getting myself better, mentally, again. And to do that, I need to go back to the basics of what I want, and start being kind to myself again. And start doing the things that make me happy, being with the people who make me happy, and find a way to make money from my writing so that I don’t have to be on the benefit anymore.