You’ve probably heard me bang on enough about depression, but it is a fact of life. It happens, and it can happen to anyone, anywhere. I was diagnosed about 6 years ago, and been on meds for the last 5 years. The good news is, I am reducing my meds down, but it will take a very, very long time.
For me, depression has probably been something I have suffered from my entire life. I remember having a particularly low patch in my late teens. Because I’m an introvert, I like to hide myself away. If I had to go outside, I would put on my “happy face” mask and walk out the door. Nobody knew that underneath that mask, all I wanted to do was hide away, sleep or do nothing. At my worst, I felt like a zombie, just a body going through the motions of everyday life.
Depression isn’t about sadness. It can be about fear, trauma, a coping mechanism. Because of the conditions I was living in, I became withdrawn, and silent. I used to be a vocal, happy sort of person, ready for a joke and a laugh, hang out with my mates, but increasingly I isolated myself, kept more to myself.
It didn’t just affect me. It affected my son, my ex, my mother, my poppa, my friends, because they all knew that it wasn’t me. They knew I was a vivacious person, but I couldn’t see that anymore. I had developed a numbness to hide the pain, to keep everything from hurting me. I’ve had to relearn how to feel emotions – including happiness and sadness. It was hard, because I feared my emotions – I feared that the pain would be too much for me to handle. Wow, that sentence in itself is a revealation to me just now!
I had depression because I feared my emotions – I feared that the pain would be too much for me to handle.
I had to spend time with a psychologist to learn to feel the pain, to allow it to happen. I didn’t have to let it all happen at once, but I had to learn how to cope with it.
Life doesn’t have to be hard. If you think it is, are numbing yourself, or don’t want to experience fear, then talk to someone about it. Its important that you do, because depression can be treated, either with medication, or good old fashioned exercise. Don’t wallow in self pity and loathing. Seek help.