It has been an insightful weekend, and one of pain – physical and mental!
Having swapped onto yet another antidepressant, I have to endure days of mental health issues as my body adapts to the chemicals that are going into it. When someone says to me that Depression is just a state of mind, it makes me angry, because mine ISN’T a state of mind. I actually have a chemical imbalance, and because my other antidepressants weren’t working, it is definitely not the serotonin that is the problem. It could be noradrenalin which means that I need to increase my new antidepressant in order to get its effects. So Depression is just a state of mind? Ha bloody ha ha. It’s a state of chemical imbalance.
The other thing I have worked out, and probably something that goes along with the “actress/actor” thing that many with depression seem to be good at, and that is – I am a liar. It is out there now, and I can’t take it back. I lie. Every day of my life, I lie to someone, and I don’t mean those little white lies to get away with something, or make someone feel better, I mean life changing lies. Every day my beloved asks me how I am and I say fine. He doesn’t understand or know the full extent of how I am feeling, because I am too scared that the will walk away or freak out. So he doesn’t know just how bad I am feeling some days. I have to hide it behind my pretty “actress” mask. It was a bit of a shocker for me, but at least I know it now, and it is something I can hopefully work on.
The other thing – physical pain-wise – I have ruptured a disk in my back and I can’t even think about how I have done it. It definitely wasn’t the running I have been doing lately, but it will certainly make things harder for me to run, until it is fixed! Grrr, just what I don’t need right now. It is too uncomfortable to sit, so I can’t use it as an excuse to sit and write. Damn it all!
All in all, things can only improve from now on. It had better, I really can’t keep going in this state. 🙂