Its been a rough few weeks. But I am getting through.
My Emotional goals are:
recognising and dealing with my emotions as they arise (this is a big thing for me),
spend time meditating or doing yoga each week,
being aware of my surroundings and my reactions to them.
Well for a start, I am grieving for my marriage, which has collapsed into a screaming pile of do do. I have been crying, feeling the pain and letting it all hang out. I’ve had moments of clarity and made some great decisions, and I’ve had foggy moments and indecisions. But overall, it has been a very emotional rollercoaster ride, an
d I have managed to hold on, and not throw up in the process.
The major thing I have learnt about is something called the Drama Triangle. The fact is, I have been told about this several times before, but it is only this time that I have fully taken it in. And it is life changing. A sad but true fact. This is what it looks like:
The persecutor is the one who is always right. They tend to come out with putdowns, or make you feel bad about yourself, and you become a victim. A victim is someone who hasn’t done “anything wrong” and therefore blameless, and need someone to rescue them. The rescuer is someone who does good and helps the victim out of their predicament. One person can play all three roles, and in a relationship, both partners can flick between the roles. This is what my husband and I were living. But we don’t have to.
The opposite of the Drama Triangle is the Winners Triangle:
This one is pretty self explanatory – assertive, knows their own feelings and what they want / need; nuturing, able to help when ASKED (not just dive in and help out) and vulnerable, shares their real feelings. These are hard things for me. I didn’t actually know how to share my feelings because I had numbed them for so long, but now that I am feeling them, I can, and do with my husband, who actually picked this up last year and started working with it. Yes, I am slow on the uptake, but I am working on it now.
So what does this mean for me? More counselling, as there are people out there, who won’t like the changes I am making in my life, and won’t understand them. They will want to continue “playing the game” which I now intend to walk away from. I’ve seen it in my husbands life. Those who he thought were his friends have shown that they only want to be involved in the drama triangle, and trying to draw him back into it.
I played in the drama triangle, and because my husband wasn’t responding, I accused him of not caring about me. He does, but he didn’t want to be part of the game anymore. But until I opened my eyes, he couldn’t explain to me how or why. And it may now be too late. But that is something that I will be responsible for. Just like he is responsible for the initial blow up in the first place.
I grew up in Drama Triangle, and I can see how it has played out in my life over the course of my 42 years of being on the planet. Its scary, but it is nice to know that there is a solution. And I am going to be working on this solution.
Funny how my emotions goals for the year play into the winners triangle.
So there, my dear readers, is my emotions update. I hope I haven’t bored you silly, and that maybe you have learnt something. I urge you, if you have opened your eyes to this, that you seek counselling, or professional help, because I am only scraping the surface here. Even I need help.
Until next week, have a good one.