Hmmm. Where does one start to try and explain where their life is at. I really don’t know where to start to be honest. 3 of my 4 depression triggers have been activated… only one to go and I can officially say that I am back in the dark depths, but by the grace of God, I am hanging in there.
I have a list of things that are triggered for me to recognise that i am going backwards again – low mood (that’s obvious!), mental confusion, not wanting to write / create art – the last one is sleep. Fortunately I am getting plenty of that, although a little less than normal. Its when i don’t sleep that is the problem.
Its pretty obvious what has triggered this latest event, and while I am handling things exactly as my psychologist asked (feeling the pain and allowing it to play out its course) and grieve, there are moments when I feel nothing, and I know that I should. It is probably because my old “numbness” is coming in, but then I will have a moment of intense heartache, and instead of trying to block it out, I cry, and I allow myself to cry until the pain eases.
I know that I have some issues that will need to be sorted out, and I have arranged for more counseling, to help me deal with my marriage break down and the resultant damage. I need to do this for my own good, not for the sake of getting my marriage back together because I really need to focus on me, and not on anybody else (except my son) at this stage.
I have plans in place. My usual jobs like gardening, my day job (two days a week), plans for the weekend (spending time with friends) to help build up my mood. And while it works while I am with them / doing them, it is the moments when I am on my own that really hurt.
But enough of that, I am holding on by my fingertips – and I will keep gripping on, and with some work, I should come back up relatively quickly.
Next week – my spiritual wellbeing update.