Keeping my perspective on my spiritual wellbeing has been a little tough lately – as I have struggled to connect with much. I haven’t been writing, my heart hasn’t been in my art, I haven’t been reading much. And with all the emotional turmoil going on at home, its just been bloody tough.
Being truthful in all my interactions;
making a difference within my community
making a stronger connection with my higher power.
Higher power – yeah – I haven’t really been focusing much on God. Or praying. Its probably the furthermost thing from my mind. Sometimes I remember and just ask for his strength to get me through the day, but I haven’t really tried. This is probably a time when I should be turning more to him, but I have all the usual questions: Why did you let this happen? Don’t you love me? How can I love someone if I don’t understand what is going on? You aren’t there for me? – of course I also know that this is all just crap. Its my own mind trying to defeat the purpose. But its just the process I am going through.
I have been building my connections within the community and extending my circle of friends. While I have my three besties, I have other people who have come out of the woodwork to support and encourage me during this time. Over the weekend I assisted with our School fundraiser, which was catering a local family wedding. It was fun to spend time with like minded people and we were able to laugh and joke with each other. And I like to think that my contribution helped.
Being truthful in all my actions – I’m not quite sure if I could be any more transparent. My ex is struggling with my cold self, but that is me protecting myself. I love this man, but it is very close to me hating him. I don’t want to hate him, so being cold and distant helps me to cope. I’ve explained this to him. He says “I’m hearing you,” which is a statement I hate, because I really don’t think he does. I’m hurting so bad, but angry towards him. I know that this is all part of the grieving process.
I have been spending an entire day a week devoted to art – spending that day at school. It has been good, as I get to try various techniques rather than just get into something, then have to pack up and go home. I’m liking where I’m at, but ready to move on as well. Coming up with some ideas, so can’t wait to try them out.
Slowly I will get back into reading. I like to do that in the evening before I sleep, and I have some books that I want to read (plus a beta read) so I might just get back into that tonight.
Next week, I’ll look at my physical wellbeing.
Until then, Kia Kaha – stay strong