I have been working on Ice Planet lately, which is my 2011 SoCNoC novel that I lost half of when my laptop crashed. I have spent most of this month editing it, and trying to work out what I had put in the original so that I can finish it.
While I was out walking the other day, I made a significant discovery. I am afraid of writing.
I am presuming that this is from the fact that I haven’t written anything in quite some time, and while I would love to start writing, I am scared that it won’t be the same, that I won’t be able to capture the beauty that I already have down on paper and instead make it rather mediocre.
Depression is a funny beast, the way that it has interacted with me and my head. Some things are coming back to me, like dreaming, but they are much weirder than the used to be, and I have had quite a few naked dreams in the last few weeks, something I have never done before. I know that the naked dreams are that you are feeling vulnerable, and I am wondering, as I write, if this is to do with my writing? Perhaps that is what I am feeling so anxious about, and my brain is translating this during the night time.
The only way I can get over this is to actually write I guess, but it is a hard thing to try and bring myself back to. I will just have to bite the bullet and do it, which I don’t mind doing, but it is taking a real effort to make the time.
I guess, I really have to stop talking about it and start doing it, right?