I haven’t really spent a lot of time doing anything other than my gardening lately. I had 7 library books beside my bed, and panicking that I won’t get them read in time.
What I need to do is stop worrying. Not that worrying has been a problem for me. It was being too rigid with my structure in my day. I haven’t had structure or a plan for my day since August, and I have to admit I like the freedom that I have. But then I have days where I get “the can’t help its” – when you really don’t know what to do with yourself.
I love to read, and I have just downloaded something like 10 books onto my kindle. Add to that the 80+ already on there, plus the 5 library books sitting beside my bed, I really have no excuse not to be cracking through them. But still I struggle to find time. If a book grips me, I will read it until I have finished it, but not many books are like that. In fact I am reading just for the sake of reading, and that is very sad. The enjoyment has gone out of reading for me, but I need to look at what I am reading, rather than categorise all books as “unreadable”.
Perhaps my taste in stories have changed? I have read a few biography’s and autobiography’s lately and very much enjoyed them. They are a slice of real life, and I have to wonder if perhaps I am seeking a soul mate who has suffered the same as me, to find a connection with a real person.
But then my depression is a journey all on its own! I have started a special project called “Journey to my Heart” which is an intensely private document, and contains letters to myself, the people that have hurt me in my life, and things I have learnt about myself while getting myself better. It will never be published – although I might print it out, shred it up and scatter it at the Nuggets (Catlins, South Island, New Zealand) like my Mum did! The only problem would be the amount of paper! It wouldn’t be a couple of pages, it would probably be novel length! 🙂
Anyway, what I am getting at is – I need to find time – to find out who I am, give myself some time, to do the things I want to do. If I don’t have time in my day to read, then I need to remedy that – find time!
Sorry for the rant, just something I needed to get out of my head before it exploded!