How many times have we heard “its complicated” if someone doesn’t really want to explain something to you. It annoys me very much. If it was complicated, why did you bring it up in the first place.
I had this in reverse the other day. I was visiting with my counsellor and I was telling her all about a situation that happened last weekend. Then I talked about other issues as well. At the end of the session, she looked me in the eye and said – “it is just so complicated isn’t it.”
I am kind of pleased that she said that. I bottle things up. I don’t tell someone something and then say it is too difficult to go into details because there are too many of them. I prefer to keep my own counsel and try and tease out the issues later. But it was nice to know that I wasn’t going insane! It is actually complicated! What makes it worse is that most of it isn’t of my own making, but what others have put on me! Which makes me feel responsible! Urgh, sick of taking other peoples responsibilities on, and in the last 6 weeks I have noticed a large improvement in my own mental state because I have learnt that unless it is something that I did, or created, it has nothing to do with me. Even if my family or friends do something, it isn’t mine, unless I did it.
It is a very liberating thought. It is knowing that I don’t have to accept other peoples problems, or try and help them. Handy being mentally ill – sorry I can’t help you, I have problems of my own! My friends say – that’s OK, I understand. Those who aren’t my friend look at me like I am insane… so I know what category they fall into. Needless to say they will be off my Christmas card list this year.
Life has been changing, for the positive. To the point where I have… yes I have, actually written some words! It doesn’t happen every day, but it has been happening, and I am liking this. There is less stress and pressure on myself, although I am itching to get back into writing on a more scheduled basis, but I want it to be fun and because I want to write, not because I HAVE to do it.