So many of you are probably wondering who I am. I am a writer, a mother, a reader, a friend, a reviewer, a wife, a gardener, a creator – there are lots of labels for me. But I had a new one last year.
I have suffered from it for a while, but during Winter 2011, I really crashed, and could no longer go on. It affected my writing, my desires, my dreams and my goals. It affected my relationships with those around me, because a lot of them didn’t know what was going on. I had hidden it so well beneath the smiles and friendly gestures, that no one knew what I was suffering inside.
Now depression isn’t about sitting around and bawling your eyes out. For me, it was a case of feeling nothing. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t. I didn’t find anything interesting anymore. Life was just grey.
Depression affects many people in many different ways. This is how it affected me. My mind went. I could no longer remember things, I have had to start writing important dates and appointments on my calendar or else I would forget them. My enthusiasm took a dive. I no longer wanted to get tea ready by lunchtime.
I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to edit, I didn’t want to look at my computer. And that was the hardest thing, because my computer, my writing, had been my release for so long. But then I no longer had the motivation to write, nothing inspired me, nothing seemed interesting or colourful anymore.
It has been a slow process which has involved medication and counselling, but I am finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. While I still don’t have the desire to write, I am editing, which is something. And I had a few stories that needed to be worked on, and maybe this year is the year of me getting my arse into gear and facing up to the fact that perhaps I was scared of rejection, that perhaps my stories aren’t good enough to get published… but how will I know unless I get them out there? I can’t get it rejected without submitting something, right?
So, life is slowly returning to normal – not that I know what normal is, but things are returning to how it used to be. Writing will come back into my life, and I have been coming up with story ideas, so I won’t let that stop me from writing again.