Wow. That is all I can say. Wow.
For so many reasons.
My marriage has fallen over.
The outpouring of love from my friends and family
The outstanding love of my husband and son.
And to top it all off, tomorrow I have an appointment to apply for a Sole Parent’s benefit. It is the bottom of the barrel people. The last thing I ever wanted to do. I had hoped that I could support myself and my son on work income alone, but no. There is so much stigma about being on the Sole Parent’s benefit – a name they changed to try and get away from the DPB nightmare (Domestic Purposes Benefit). Only run down, down on their luck, women go on the SPB. I’m not a down on my luck woman. But I’m not making any money either. So I have to take in 20 forms of identification, a Medical certificate, invoices / accounts / proof of income / lack of income / what I ate for breakfast / how many times I visit a toilet on an average day / why I paid my taxes for so many years / why I expect them to fork out. It feels like the Spanish Inquisition, and that is BEFORE the interview!
I feel belittled and bewildered by the whole turn of events. All because my husband did something behind my back that broke my trust. No, he didn’t cheat on me, but it would have made more sense if he did. He realises that he made a huge mistake, and is also aware that no amount of apologies will win back my trust. However, we still love each other very much, maybe more so now, but we both have issues we need to sort out, and after him being in a relationship after relationship, he wants to learn how to be independent. Which I guess makes sense. He’s calling it his ‘midlife crisis’. I don’t know what I am calling it. Part of me desperately wants him to stay, but another part of me wants him to leave. I’m torn!
We spent the weekend together, and had an awesome time. We work well together, we always have and probably always will, but he can’t guarantee that we will get back together, which is a fair call. Even I don’t know what I want. 6 months from now, I might be quite happy just having my son here, and not my husband, but its hard when your heart is so wrapped up in things, so the best thing to do is give us both some time and space. It doesn’t mean we can’t do things together, and still be friends. But it will be hard.
I will discuss this further in my wellbeing posts which I will be starting again from tomorrow. All I can say for now is that I am coping surprisingly well. Even my doctor was surprised, although a little dubious. But I am. I’m grieving for my marriage, and I am coping with my depression as well as can be expected. I’m not jumping around and laughing my head off, but I am not feeling numb, or numbing the pain. I am experiencing it, and crying about it, all healthy stuff.
In the meantime, I have been carving out a space in the spare bedroom for myself to create an office. I have two desks, one for my art, and my beautiful writing desk, side by side, so I can be creative, whether by drawing or writing. Its a nice space and I have set things up so it is solely my space. It isn’t in my bedroom, it isn’t in the lounge. I can shut the door to the outside world and escape into my woman cave to explore my creativity a bit more.
Speaking of exploring creativity, this year in art, I am exploring landscapes, mountains and such. I’m having trouble getting my head around the concept of shading to provide contouring, but it will come. The more I do it, the more I see it.
I’ve also been working on my first Dragon’s League story, developing my characters. This has been an interesting experience, and I will blog more about that on my Writing Process blog later this week.
In the meantime, I have a busy day tomorrow: My visit to WINZ for my benefit interview, and a meeting after school, which I have to prepare for.
I hope you guys have a better week, as I look forward to my week and learning new experiences.
Have a good one.