The last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. I knew my mental health was declining, but didn’t know why. I know I go downhill over the Christmas period, and I kind of picked up during January, but the start of February I really wondered what was wrong with me. I was doing all the usual stuff, working, exercising, keeping busy, but for some reason, I just didn’t feel right.
So I increased my meds.
But that didn’t really seem to help, which is really surprising. Normally when I increase my meds, I notice almost immediately a positive effect, but instead I felt worse. I was really worried about what was going on.
On Friday I went up to spend some time with my Mum. I like hanging out with my Mum, we have ‘Mummy Time’ together. We have a laugh and a catch up and just spend time with each other. On Friday, we both ended up having a wee cry over different matters.
And that was the start of something. I cried on the way home, I cried every time I sent a text to someone, and I cried when my girlfriend came around for a chat. While we were talking, it dawned on me. I knew that I hadn’t fully grieved for my marriage. I cried when my ex and I had the dust up, and I cried when the full extent of his betrayal had gone, and I had cried when I needed to, but I also knew that I hadn’t fully let it all out of my system. So while my girlfriend and I chatted, about lots of other things, tears trickled down my cheeks.
They were healing tears, because I woke up Saturday morning a new person. I had a big to do list, that I only got a couple of things done one. Sunday, I woke up, and still feeling positive and much better frame of mind.
You see, February 13 is the day my ex hurt me. February 14, is when I told him I wanted a trial separation. So the 14th (yeah, Valentines Day) is a real kicker for me.
My brain had been muddling the dates since the beginning of the month, I didn’t know what date it was, which is apparently a coping mechanism. I felt addled and confused and couldn’t remember people’s names (a big sign for me that all is not well) and disorientated. I tried to keep myself busy and went to bed exhausted at night, only to wake up exhausted the next morning. You see my brain, knew that 14th of February was a traumatic day for me, and was trying to keep me in a state of hypersensitivity, instead of calming down, it was going into stress mode.
Since Friday, I have been calm, fully aware, I go to bed, sleep and wake up refreshed. All because I acknowledged that I hadn’t grieved for my marriage.
And why would you need to grieve for a marriage that was going so bad? Because you try so hard to hold things together. You imagined what you wanted life to be like in the future. You had plans, goals and dreams that were slowly coming to fruition. Instead, you’re on your own, trying to survive on a benefit, those dreams shattered. And I did love the man once, I loved up right up until the day after he moved off the property – which was late February.
Last year has been one of personal growth. Life if positive, I am achieving new goals and striving for new dreams that I have always wanted to do, not ones that were dictated to me. It was a cruel year last year, with the marriage breakup and the death of my beloved Stepfather, but I grew up last year. I found me, and I am happy to have me back.
Anyway, on the writing front – Finding Amy is really coming along. I would love to tell you all about it, but I don’t have a lot of newsletter subscribers… I need more… like 100 more! If I can reach 100 subscribers, I will tell you all about Finding Amy Archer.
I’m back at school, studying art for the final year. I’ve decided this year will be “Beauty in the Darkness” about my personal journey from the deepest darkest moment in my depression. I also plan on doing more painting this year, especially water colours, so that will be fun. I am also doing Materials – mostly focused on Woodwork, but it isn’t just woodwork, there will be metal work involved too. So excited about this year. and I have gardening too… Busy busy busy. No rest for the wicked :o)
So what are you up to this week?