Depression is a curious beast. One day you feel fine, the next you are wondering
why you bothered getting out of bed. I tend to find I have a mixture of these in a week, so I can’t honestly say that I am on an even keel. All I know is that my mood is more up than it was about 8 weeks ago.
As part of my program, I am attending counselling, and I tend to find that depending on what we are talking about also affects my moods for the week. If it has been fairly intense, I tend to find my mind works overtime for the week to try and process the information.
It is really hard to describe depression to someone who really doesn’t understand. My Mum has the best description – something isn’t right in the engine room (your head), and because you can’t see it, people don’t realise that there is anything wrong.
When I am having a bad time of it, I withdraw, from my family and friends. I surround myself with my books, or work in my garden, because I find that writing it a very hard thing to do when your mind is busy trying to process stuff. Housework is a thing of the past, unless something REALLY needs work.
I call this, the “Blahs”, because you really can’t be bothered. Something you enjoy doing one week, will seem like a chore the next week. I enjoyed my trip to the cafe with my laptop last Friday, but this Friday just been, it seemed more like something I had to do.
Structure and timetables are completely out the window. I have to pick and chose what I do, when I want to do it, because I can’t guarantee that I will want to do it a week later. I really hate this, I like to help people out – but I don’t know if I will have a good day or not.
I know this all sounds rather negative, but it isn’t. Today isn’t a blah day. It is a tired day, one where I wake up after a very restless and dreamful night and felt I haven’t slept a wink! This also seems to be a side affect of depression, you either sleep soundly, or you don’t. I fluctuate between the two.
Each day is different and presents its own issues and surprises. One thing I do know, each day is what I make of it. I am allowed to have good days, I am allowed to have blah days. I just hope that the blah’s decrease and the good days increase!