At the beginning of the week, I had a blog planned called “The Rhythm of Life” and going to talk about how great it was to be back at school, have a ritual, editing etc, only to find that the last two days I have spent playing games on my laptop instead. (Oh, and I worked too!)
Its not that I Didn’t want to write, more that I just felt like I needed to do something else instead.
Today was my first day off work, so I took the opportunity to have a catch up with my Doc, get my meds, pick up the brand spanking new lawnmower (yes I am excited about a lawnmower), do some banking and pick up some post it notes (because I wasn’t paying $8 for brightly coloured ones!)
Instead, I ran into a friend and we had an early lunch. It was lovely just to chat and catch up. We are both writers, and she is writing flat out at the moment, which is fantastic. I told her I was editing Ice Planet, and then I came to a bit of a realisation. When I lost the story, that was the THING that tipped me over the edge into the abyss that I call depression.
It is one of my triggers.
So now, when I am working on it, I have to be aware of that, and not get triggered by it if it doesn’t work. I noticed this at Christmas time, when I was trying to work on it, and instead, I was really driving myself back into the dark hole. Because it wasn’t as good as I originally had it.
Now that I recognise it as a trigger, I can happily work on it, quietly. If I feel uncomfortable, I back off and leave it, because I don’t want to go down the dark path again, not after telling my Doc how wonderful I feel!
The other trigger, is being too structured. I have to do this and this, and clean this, before I can do writing. If I start doing that, I actually drop what I am doing, make myself a cuppa and have a read of a book (a no no once upon a time, because I should always be productive and producing evidence of the work I had been doing, whether it be cleaning the house, weeding the garden or writing x number of words.) Trying to be a bit more freer and kinder to myself really helps.
It is important for me to recognise my triggers and back away from them, its a bit like playing with fire, if you pursue it, you will get burnt!
So tomorrow, I have work again. And if I get a chance, I will write / edit. But I won’t push myself.