Nuts and Bolts

I don’t know why I thought Editing was so boring and tedious in the past.  Perhaps I have reached a place now where I am happy with my work and can see the diamond shining underneath all the dross!  Anyway, here is another example of my editing at work. 

Paseta, the medicine man, shuffled through his side satchel, trying to locate an item inside.  He had long grey hair and suntanned complexion that showed evidence of a handsome youth.  His nose was small, but jutted, the result of a childhood fight.  His hair wasn’t receding like most of the tribal men.  At the age of 333 seasons, he was still energetic and joyous as he had been in his youth.  He was still young and agile of mind.  Paseta was training up three young people to take over his position in the tribe.  He was still undecided what to do once they reached Amasedon.  He wanted to stay, find his family and retire, but a part of him yearned to continue the adventure of tribal life. 

It felt kind of long winded and unnecessary.  I picked out the parts that I thought the reader needed to know, like his age (which by the way is in seasons, so divide by 4…) but I want the reader to create their own picture of this man. 

Paseta’s long grey hair hung down around his suntanned face as he shuffled through his shoulder pack. At the age of 333 seasons, he was still energetic and joyous as he had been in his youth. He found and opened a small red bottle of a foul smelling essence and waved it under Tycelon’s nose.

So I am curious, how do you picture this man?  Look forward to hearing your comments.

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2 thoughts on “Nuts and Bolts

  1. You’ve done well weaving the physical description in with the action. To complete that, you could try to show that he is “energetic beyond his years” without bluntly stating it.

  2. Thanks Merilee. I think I will put his energetic nature in somewhere else, he is quite prominent in this story, so it won’t take much to add it elsewhere, or even before this particular point in the story.

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