Being Selfish

I am selfish.  There I have said it.  I am selfish and I love it.  Why?  Because it is all about me.  Me, me, me.

One thing I have learnt throughout my experience with depression, and that is I need to look after me, first and foremost.  If I can’t, then I am no good to anyone.

We just had a family holiday in the lovely Golden Bay and we stayed with friends.  There were millions of kids (okay, slight exaggeration, but it felt like millions of them sometimes), and while I loved spending time with them, I found them draining.  Not because they were sucking the life out of me, but because I wasn’t taking time out for me.

So I lost it.  Literally lost myself.  I felt tearful, cranky, lost – I really felt lost!  We had gone down the beach for a barbeque, and I just didn’t know what to do with myself, so I went away, took my book and set myself up in a quiet little reserve.  I stayed there, for at least an hour.  By the time I came back, I felt semi normal again, normal enough at least to deal with the kids that were around.

Unfortunately it does have an effect on the children when I withdraw.  They wonder why I HAD to go away, it is hard to explain to other children that I need to do that, and that it has nothing to do with them.  My own family understand, but even my son struggles with my concept of space.  Everytime I withdraw, he clings to me, wanting me to come back, wanting the mummy that he used to have.  And one day, I will be that person.  He is slowly understanding that Mum needs the time out to be who she was again, that if he gives me the space, that I come back happier than before.

I also have to learn to say No to people and things.  No to the jobs I don’t want to do, or can’t do as the case may be.  I have to say no to myself too, because I can’t always have what I want, but the end result is that I become a better person for being able to say no, and in a nice way too.  A way that makes it plain that I am not interested in helping out and I won’t be changing my mind.

So that is why I am selfish.  A horrible nasty selfish person, who is extremely happy with her progress so far!


5 thoughts on “Being Selfish

    • Had to laugh when I saw your post yesterday, because it was along the same lines, and I had scheduled mine 🙂 But yes, being selfish is hard, but satisfying 😀

      • haha I think it’s that time of the year, isn’t it? The ‘I’m sorry, but I have to come first!’. It’s after the initial ‘yeah I want to get all this done this year’ posts, when you realize, actually, you just can’t unless you make some room.

    • Thanks Kerryn, yes, you are right, but sometimes it can take a while to get to the overflow 🙂 I will get there though.

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