“Just a State of Mind”

It has been an insightful weekend, and one of pain – physical and mental!

Having swapped onto yet another antidepressant, I have to endure days of mental health issues as my body adapts to the chemicals that are going into it.  When someone says to me that Depression is just a state of mind, it makes me angry, because mine ISN’T a state of mind.  I actually have a chemical imbalance, and because my other antidepressants weren’t working, it is definitely not the serotonin that is the problem.  It could be noradrenalin  which means that I need to increase my new antidepressant in order to get its effects.  So Depression is just a state of mind?  Ha bloody ha ha.  It’s a state of chemical imbalance.

The other thing I have worked out, and probably something that goes along with the “actress/actor” thing that many with depression seem to be good at, and that is – I am a liar.  It is out there now, and I can’t take it back.  I lie.  Every day of my life, I lie to someone, and I don’t mean those little white lies to get away with something, or make someone feel better, I mean life changing lies.  Every day my beloved asks me how I am and I say fine.  He doesn’t understand or know the full extent of how I am feeling, because I am too scared that the will walk away or freak out.  So he doesn’t know just how bad I am feeling some days.  I have to hide it behind my pretty “actress” mask.  It was a bit of  a shocker for me, but at least I know it now, and it is something I can hopefully work on.

The other thing – physical pain-wise – I have ruptured a disk in my back and I can’t even think about how I have done it.  It definitely wasn’t the running I have been doing lately, but it will certainly make things harder for me to run, until it is fixed!  Grrr, just what I don’t need right now.  It is too uncomfortable to sit, so I can’t use it as an excuse to sit and write.  Damn it all!

All in all, things can only improve from now on.  It had better, I really can’t keep going in this state.  🙂


One thought on ““Just a State of Mind”

  1. Aw hon, I really hope it does get better soon. How long is it meant to take the new drugs to start working? This is the frustrating thing with mental health – so many drugs, and no way to know which ones will be the right ones. It’s by no means a precise art.
    If it’s any consolation, I’m a liar too. A wearer of masks. A proficient deliverer of the appropriate response to questions people mostly don’t really want to hear the answer too. But I stopped lying just recently, and I feel a whole lot better for it. Maybe it’s time to take off the mask?

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