I had a catch up on Saturday with a writing friend (the delightful LaVerne Clark), one I first connected with over ten years ago (and we both couldn’t believe it had been that long), and it was lovely to talk about writing, and plans for books etc. I’ve been working on building my writing tribe, friends who write and encourage each other to succeed.
But… today I had a problem. Yesterday was a horrible wet day, I couldn’t do anything outside, but I could visit my friend. Today was a lovely day, and I could get outdoors…and I did. Because I felt guilty about being inside writing.
And this is a problem I encounter most weekends. I want to write, but I feel guilty for being inside when I could be outside doing some gardening. And there is plenty to do in my gardens.
And it all comes back to a problem I encountered a few years ago. It’s called Ex syndrome. My ex used to make me feel really bad if I spent time inside writing when it was a nice day, and I could have been outside working – he saw me as being lazy and writing as a hobby. I’ve been out of that relationship for nearly seven years, but I still struggle with it. If the sun is shining, I feel guilty for being inside. If it is raining, I will try and find things around inside the house to do. I feel very confined, and it frustrates me. After seven years you would think that I would have shrugged that behaviour off. But I still hear that voice in my head. and it is said in his voice. How on earth do I undo years of that kind of programming?
I just have to keep pushing through, keep telling myself that it is my choice what I do, but it is hard to shake off the guilt. The lovely partner I am with now, really doesn’t mind what I do, he’s proud of me, and what I do, whether I am writing, gardening, working or anything. I guess it is just one of those things that I will have to push through.
That is my goal for the week, to push through the guilt, and try to make myself feel another emotion from writing when I could’ve been doing something else.
What’s your goal for the week?
Kia kaha everyone