It’s nearly a year since you left. Without any clue or discussion. You just…went.

I’d been struggling to cope with the death of my step-mum after a prolonged illness. And I’d been to see her, thankfully, but I was still trying to cope with the loss. It was your birthday, I wished you happy birthday. You responded a couple of days later, to say thanks. And what had I been up to. I told you my Stepmum had died, and I was trying to cope.

That was the last time we spoke.

I looked over the photos that your family had taken during their recent visit. You looked so sad. I’d never seen you look so lost and alone. Is that what made you leave? You realise you could have come home, we would have looked after you, kept you on your toes. Or is that the reason why you didn’t want to come home, because you knew that we’d be constantly in your face, we would make sure you were okay.

Instead, we have to suffer, cry, question, rage, plead and most of all wonder what went wrong. Why you couldn’t talk to any of the people you knew around the world. Your problem was so big that you thought none of us could cope with it. You knew I could have. We’d shared some of our darkest secrets.

A year of birthdays, Christmas, New Year, your birthday…all without you to share those moments with. And that hurts. And what hurts most, is the fact that you left us without telling us why.

I still miss you every day. I still cry over you, the fact that you couldn’t talk to me. Or anyone else. What was the darkest moment that you couldn’t deal with? What did you think we couldn’t help you with?

Just know, that I love you, I always have, and I always will. x x x