Category Archives: Mental Health

Finding New and Inspiring Things To Do.

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I joined a gym, not long after I started my new job, and it was a little hit and miss to start with, but I got into a program, and had a personal trainer (who also runs the bootcamp that I go to) and started to really get into it.

On discussion with my personal trainer, I decided to up the ante a little and now I am in a three day a week program. It isn’t about building muscle, because that isn’t what I want to do, at this stage. Instead we are doing some corrective work, and then some muscle work to help.

Corrective work is because we discovered I have hyperextension. I always knew I was a little kookie with weird elbow angles, and knees that want to go backwards, so I’m doing exercises to help strengthen those muscles to prevent injuries from happening. I’m also doing exercises for my Archille’s that I slightly ruptured in December last year.

As a result, my mental health has improved, and my brain is just buzzing with ideas, which keep flowing, and I can’t keep up! I have a notebook with story ideas that I might have to get a ghost writer to finish for me!

Overall, I’m really enjoying the gym visits. It helps with my mental health, and I listen to podcasts while I’m exercising. I’m starting to get into a rhythm of attending three day a week, and settling into a routine of writing, editing and gym visits as well as my work schedule.

On the up and up

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A couple of weeks ago I wrote how I was suffering with the weather and down moods. I have since turned a corner, and now my mental health is improving.

And the reason for this, I believe, is catching up with a friend and talking about writing. It was as simple as that. We hadn’t been able to catch up over the previous few weeks because of weather related issues, or kids, but last Friday, we managed to catch up and mostly, we talked. We talked about writing, but we also talked about how we felt guilty because while we’d both been affected by the floods, we still had our homes and our properties survived unscathed, unlike a lot of our friends, and as a result, we have survivors guilt. Because we didn’t get the damage as bad as it could have been we felt guilty for feeling pleased that it hadn’t affected us.

We spoke about the trauma we both suffered having to evacuate and not knowing what we would be going back to, how the kindness of people we barely knew made it easier to cope. How we both emotionally broke down after it had all passed over because we were trying to be strong for our kids.

And then we talked about the power of writing, how cathartic it had been to write about our sadness and pain in various stories we’d written, and how it was our ‘therapy’, and how we felt so much better, mental health-wise, when we were able to find time to write.

I only spent two hours with Serena, but in that time, we found a companionship that went deeper than our writing friendship. We both had similar experiences and experienced the same emotions about the same things. And it was nice to know that someone knew how I felt.

It wasn’t until Sunday I realised just how uplifted I felt. How much lighter and brighter the world seemed. I was relieved that I’d finally turned the corner, because I wasn’t looking forward to spending another two or three weeks in that melancholy state, because even I don’t like myself when I’m in that kind of mood.

But sometimes, just spending time with someone who has a similar interest to you, can be all you need to was someone to shine a light so you come out the other side of the darkness, and realise that it was only a tunnel you were travelling through, and not a journey to the middle of the earth.

SAD time of Year

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It’s been a tough couple of weeks. My mental health has been on the decline, but it is that time of the year.

My mental health is something I am very conscious of, because it can sometimes be a delicate balance between feeling good and feeling nothing. Because when I go into a depressive state, I tend to feel numb. I also want to sleep more, I guess to take come of the numbness out of the day.

I do have go to ways of lifting my spirits, like getting out for a walk, and going to the gym, and watching stupidly funny videos, but even that hasn’t helped me get through this week. Instead, I’ve watched funny videos and thought more about how some of the falls would have hurt, and how close some people came to giving themselves concussion. Yeah, things are pretty bad when I can’t see the funny side of things.

It is that time of the year, when it is at it’s coldest and bleakest. Winter is still here, frosts are taking their toll, and I don’t do cold – have I told you I don’t do cold?

This weekend was an opportunity to escape to Wineheim, and catch up with my Mum and my brother’s family. we have a lovely time together, and it’s those moments that remind me that family are important in helping heal mental health issues.

It didn’t help that last week, my ankle and knee decided to play up, just as I was going for a walk, or to the gym, put I pushed through it and went anyway, because sometimes any excuses not to do something good for you, is the opposite of what you should do. I learnt that from my Bobba. He would get out and go for long bicycle rides just to chase the blues away. I miss that he’s not around to confide in anymore, but I can still talk to him, I just don’t get the answers like I used to.

Another couple of weeks and there will be longer days, and those who are affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder will lift, and we will get back to our normal daily routines, and our moods will lift with more sunlight in our day.

Until then, I will keep going, one funny video at a time.

When it feels like Forever

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Wednesday night, I had little sleep after a nightmare repeatedly woke me up.

Thursday, another bad dream left me with little sleep.

I planned on having a sleeping pill to help me sleep Friday night…but nature had other plans.

I’d gone into town on Friday morning to have a catch up and lunch with a very dear friend. While I was there, my manager rang and told me to reconsider coming into work, because the worst of the rain was going to hit around 3pm. So I chose not to go to work.

I got home about two in the afternoon, and it was really pouring down. When I got home, I noticed the water in the orchard next to us was up, but not overly high.

But as the afternoon progressed, the waterlogged soil was unable to cope and the water got closer and closer to the house. Until by five pm, we had a lake out the front as the water from the orchard was trying to find the easiest way to get into the drain, and that was through the front of our place. The drain was so full, that for the first time ever, it was overflowing the footpath and the vehicle bridge to access our property.

We lost power about 4pm, and Mr H and I were outside barbequing our tea, when I saw Police cars go past, and then stop. They stopped at our place and told us we had to leave. Even though water hadn’t entered our property, and we knew we still have half a metre to go before it got there, they wanted us out. So we had five minutes to pack bags grab the cat and go.

Lunar wasn’t happy about the situation, but I wasn’t going to leave her behind, so with my laptop, tablet and phone, I then had to consider what else I needed. Clothes weren’t my top priority, but I had grabbed cat food and treats for her.

Fortunately, we were able to stay with a very dear friend, who had two cats of her own, which simply dwarf Ms Lunar. Our friend had a dog crate that she set up for us to put lunar into, so she could experience the warmth of the fire without worrying about the big boys harrassing her.

By 8pm, the rain had stopped. And it was eerily silent. Even the wind had stopped blowing.

But we stayed the night (another sleepless night) before we returned home about 1015 the following day. The only flood damage we had were apples from the orchard in our backyard. Nothing else was affected…

Except my mental health. It felt like we’ve had nothing but grey cloudy skies for three weeks (we have had some sunny days, but only like two or three), and then the stress of having to evacuate, by the time Saturday morning came around, I just wanted to cry. Even though it was just over twelve hours since we’d left our house, it felt like forever. Even though we’ve had periods of sunshine, it feels like it’s been grey forever.

But I have to keep reminding myself, it isn’t forever. We had a beautiful sunny day on Saturday, and I will remind myself after another couple days of gloomy weather that we have had sunshine.

Even when our mental health dips, we have to remember that we haven’t been feeling that way forever. It is just a small blip that we need to get through. It won’t last forever, only until we have a new sunny moment shine upon us.

Nearly a Year

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It’s nearly a year since you left. Without any clue or discussion. You just…went.

I’d been struggling to cope with the death of my step-mum after a prolonged illness. And I’d been to see her, thankfully, but I was still trying to cope with the loss. It was your birthday, I wished you happy birthday. You responded a couple of days later, to say thanks. And what had I been up to. I told you my Stepmum had died, and I was trying to cope.

That was the last time we spoke.

I looked over the photos that your family had taken during their recent visit. You looked so sad. I’d never seen you look so lost and alone. Is that what made you leave? You realise you could have come home, we would have looked after you, kept you on your toes. Or is that the reason why you didn’t want to come home, because you knew that we’d be constantly in your face, we would make sure you were okay.

Instead, we have to suffer, cry, question, rage, plead and most of all wonder what went wrong. Why you couldn’t talk to any of the people you knew around the world. Your problem was so big that you thought none of us could cope with it. You knew I could have. We’d shared some of our darkest secrets.

A year of birthdays, Christmas, New Year, your birthday…all without you to share those moments with. And that hurts. And what hurts most, is the fact that you left us without telling us why.

I still miss you every day. I still cry over you, the fact that you couldn’t talk to me. Or anyone else. What was the darkest moment that you couldn’t deal with? What did you think we couldn’t help you with?

Just know, that I love you, I always have, and I always will. x x x

Being In Tune With Your Body

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This week has been busy. My mum has been over from Blenheim, I’ve worked during the day and at night, and it’s all been rather busy. I’ve also been trying not to have a cold.

And I woke up Saturday morning, made a coffee and went back to bed to read. I got up about 9am, had breakfast, and went back to bed. Because I was physically tired. I got up yesterday afternoon and lazed on the couch all day, watching YouTube videos of people who remake dolls into something special, cos-players creating new costumes, and various archeological programs. It wasn’t a sickness ache, it was a bone-weary ache. And yes, I know the difference.

When I’m sick, I start immediately taking chili tea – and it isn’t as nasty as you think. You put a teaspoon or two of the chili tea into what you’re drinking and it will help clear your throat of any mucus and generally make me feel better.

Yesterday morning, it was a tiredness that I get when I’ve done too much physically. I get it a lot, and often when I’m over-peopled or been overly physical, mostly in the garden. I’m guessing that I pushed myself a little too much with work and my body was letting me know that I needed a break.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling more refreshed and ready to go, and I was able to spend some time on my computer editing, because I need to get that book out! When I’m tired, I start to lose concentration and I make silly mistakes, and that’s when I know I need to quit what I’m doing and give myself a break. I ache in the back of the head, and around my sinus’s (I also did a nasal flush). Bone-weary tiredness is an ache in all of my joints, like they are heavy and I can’t lift them up. People with Chronic Fatigue will understand that tiredness and the lack of energy that comes with that.

It’s only since I was diagnosed with depression about ten years ago that I started to become more aware of my gut instinct and my body, and what my body was telling me. It knows what it needs, and to start with it was hard when I lived with somebody who was too busy gaslighting me to help me. I had stopped trusting my gut, but I knew that I needed to do what was right for me.

I still have hang up’s about resting because of that person, but as the years roll on, I’ve learnt that my body is more aware of what it needs than I give it credit for. And the bone-weary tiredness is a way my body tells me that I’ve been pushing things too hard.

I urge you to listen to your body. It knows what is right for you and what you need. Don’t ignore it when it’s telling you something.

A Moment in the life of a writer

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My mental health has been discussed here a lot, but lately it has been on the up and up. I have the occasional day when things don’t quite go to plan, but that is normal whether you have a mental health issue or not.

Yesterday (Saturday), I had a bit of a blip. I’d written about 5000 words over various stories, and while that is normally something I’m extremely happy with, I told myself that it would probably all be deleted when it comes to editing.

I was tired and on my drive home, I managed to convince myself that I was a completely pathetic writer and that none of my stories were any good, and no wonder I didn’t have sales, etc.

By the time I got home, had dinner and ruminated some more, I was at the point of tears. I knew that it was wrong, and that I was over-reacting, but I couldn’t seem to shake myself out of the melancholy.

I was so upset and wound up about my writing. My partner, very attuned to my moods asked me if I was okay. When I told him, he told me that 5000 words was impressive, and if I wasn’t a successful writer, then I wouldn’t have so many books published (7 books) (Yes, he is a keeper). I had a cry, snuggled with him and then went to bed.

This morning (Sunday), I woke up feeling a lot brighter and happier, and able to look on yesterday’s blip and recognise it for what it was. An overtired reaction to something that my brain ruminated over. knew

Everyone has moments where they overthink something, or over react to something that happened in their day. Sometimes it’s tiredness, it might be stress, or it could be something else altogether. Just remember, it is only a blip. It isn’t the end of the world, or the end of your mental health. It is just a day where you refer back to your earlier self, before you had the tools to help you cope with situation.

Recognising that I was over-reacting was a good thing, because I knew that I would come through the other side and still have my mental health intact.

If you have a bad day, remember it is only one moment in time. And sometimes we need the bad times to remember how far we’ve come on a good day.

Overfilling my Cups

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With Intellection and Learner being high on my Gallup Strengths, work has been filling my cups to overflowing at the moment. I’m learning so much about work, my work environment, my co-workers and understanding the place that I’m working in. There is the learning also, learning the new computer systems, which are probably slightly dated, but I’m coming to grips with them.

As a result of my tumultuous timetable, I’ve had little time for writing, and on the morning’s, I haven’t been working, I’ve managed to scramble around in Finding Sam Healey which I’ve promised my editor by the 10th of March.

I haven’t had a lot of time for writing because I’ve been focused on trying to get my edits done. And I haven’t had a lot of time to edit because I’ve been working erratic hours. It will be nice to finally get into my roster so that I can settle my routine and get my new routine working. I’ve also been incredibly brain tired as my brain tries to process what I’m learning.

I have worked out something important though in my writing. I started out this year, thinking that I didn’t have a job until now. I was going to focus on writing fulltime to get my books out there. But I realise now, that isn’t really a possibility. I need to have a job in order to give my brain a break from creativity. And while there are other things I could do in that time, because my writing only takes up about two hours of my day, marketing etc wouldn’t take up much more.

Listening to the Rebel Author Podcast with Sacha Black, made me realise that it’s okay to still have a job and write. Some popular writers find they need that stimulation to keep them writing. So. I’m looking at this as a win.

Until I get into a routine, my writing is going to be out of kilter for a little while. As long as I get my editing done by the 10th…

Winter Woes

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Man, I hate being sick. And I don’t do sick well, that’s to say, I’m a lousy patient. I can’t just sit and rest, I need to be doing something, like vacuuming the floor, or dusting, or cleaning, or SOMETHING!

But that something isn’t writing at the moment, which is an indicator that my mental health is declining. The fortunate thing is that I recognise this, and I am being constructive. While I’m not writing, I am editing – Compromising Positions – and it will be ready to send the editor by the middle of next month (I’m pretty sure that’s what we agreed to…I hope…)

I’m trying to be active, however this cold / flu / post covid whatever-it-is has me feeling good some days, and really crappy others. I can wake up in the morning feeling good, then go downhill, or wake up feeling really ill, and within a couple of hours, I’m feeling okay. But it is in my chest now, and it has started rattling whenever I lie down. And on a quiet stroll on Saturday, I ended up with asthma, even though I wasn’t rushing or pushing myself, and it was a comparatively short walk to what I normally do.

I’m finding funny videos to watch, and spending time with my partner, as my son is holidaying in California. I’m crafting when I feel like it, so I am doing the right things to help improve my mood. It’s just my physical health that is really bringing me down, and I can’t do anything about that.

But I’ve bitten the bullet. I’ve made a Drs appointment, even though I know she is going to say that it’s viral and there isn’t anything they can do, at least I can go in and see her and tell her how sick I am of being sick!

So how has your week been? Better than mine, I hope.

Taking Each Day as it Comes.

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It’s been a week. Really. A long week. After having covid, I seem to have picked up a post covid infection. Of course, it isn’t clear exactly where. My chest isn’t wheezing, my nose is clear, but I’m coughing up some yucky stuff.

I’ve been taking it quietly, very quietly. I haven’t been doing a lot at all. The reason is, I knew I would have an incredibly emotional day on Saturday, which was the memorial for my dear friend Aaron. And I was right, it was an emotional day. I spent the entire service in tears. I’m still feeling very raw.

To add to my emotional woes, my beloved Son is heading off on his own adventure overseas, and it’s the first time he’s left home for a significant period of time. And of course, he couldn’t just go to the North Island, or travel around the south, no, he had to decide to go to the US for a month. To say I’m nervous is an understatement, but I have to let him go and experience life on his own terms.

As a result of the recent emotional upheavels, I have not been writing, which means that my mental health is dropping, but I know and recognise that. That is the reason why I am taking each day as they come. Because I only have the day I am in. It is pretty much how I exist, and its only at the end of the day that I look at the following day, and think about what I might do for dinner (if it’s my cooking day) and make my lunch and get my work gear organised for for the following day.

So as this week begins, I will be taking it one day at a time, which means enjoying spending some time with my son before I take him to the airport on Monday afternoon.